DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
