i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
