I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
