I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
