Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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