If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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