I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
