I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
