Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
