I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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