chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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