Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
