u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
