She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
