my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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