How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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