Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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