Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have post one night stand depression
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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