Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
