If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters