Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF