More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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