tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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