Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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