Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He shit in the fireplace
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
