Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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