she was so not down for the gang bang
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
