I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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