What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
