my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I am midnight drunk by noon
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
this will be a night to untag.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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