She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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