hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
