Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
