I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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