he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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