so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
