She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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