You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My ass is underappreciated
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
