my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
