Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
