Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
