then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
