Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
