i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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