Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
