I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
