Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
