Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
