Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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