i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
