I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
