Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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