I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
