I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
