You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
